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| Acknowledgments | |
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| The Supremacy of Football | |
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| Other Major Sports Are Inherently Inferior to Pro Football and Therefore Unworthy of Our Time | |
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| A People's History of Football Fanaticism | |
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| The Football Fan Is the Next Evolution of Man | |
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| The Fundamentals of Fandom | |
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| Pick a Team, Any Team. Just Pick One and Only One | |
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| Who You Root for Defines Who You Are | |
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| The Memory of Your Team's Epic Playoff Loss Will Set the Tone for All Your Future Personal Failures | |
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| The Most Epic Chokes | |
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| Choose a Player to Idolize Based on His Carefully Crafted Public Persona | |
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| Know Thine Enemies, So You Can Identify Them After Crushing Their Skulls into Powder | |
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| Bandwagon Fans: Can't Live with Them, Can't Line Them Up and Melt Their Insides with a Flamethrower | |
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| How to Identify a Bandwagon Fan | |
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| Choose Your Friends Based on Football Allegiances-and Maybe Their Parent's Beach House | |
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| Learn to Deal With People Who Actively Dislike Sports While Somehow Resisting the Urge to Strangle Them | |
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| The Formative Years Of Fandom | |
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| Matriculate into College (So You Can Learn That Word Doesn't Mean Advancing a Football) | |
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| The Liberal Arts Agenda Against Fandom | |
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| Attend a Game a Week and a Class Per Semester: A Fan's Guide to Higher Education | |
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| Befriend NFL Prospects Now, While They'll Still Let You Do Their Homework for Them | |
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| The Duties for the Aspiring Hanger-on | |
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| Watch Football While Tripping Balls: Drugs and Gameday | |
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| Countries Most Likely to Cease Being Useless and Catch Football Fever | |
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| Land a Football-Related Job | |
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| Root for Your Team from Afar | |
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| The Two-Minute Driven Life | |
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| You Can't Have a Tailgate of One | |
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| Make the Game Part of Your Game: Picking Up Women | |
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| Convenient Conditioning for the Football Fatty | |
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| The Diner Quiz For a Post-Post-Diner Generation | |
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| The Football Manifesto Mate-Matching Metric | |
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| The Obligatory Guidelines for Female Fans | |
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| Ground Rules for Female Fans | |
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| Vow to Have a Football-Themed Wedding | |
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| Raise Your Kids to Root for Your Team Through Coercion | |
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| Acceptable Levels of Involvement in Your Kid's Pop Warner League | |
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| Scenes from a Broken Fan Marriage | |
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| Lord Your Personal Success Over Baseball Fans Because You Don't Spend All Your Time Watching Baseball | |
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| Gameday Operating Procedure: The Gop That Wants You to Have Fun | |
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| Flout the Fan Conduct Policy | |
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| Personal Seat Licenses Are a Bigger Rip-off than Buying a Home | |
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| Your New Pair of Underwear Is to Blame for a Ten-Loss Season | |
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| Tailgating Is the Pregame Alcohol-Based Ritual of Kings | |
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| Avoid Tailgating Scenesters | |
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| Tailgating Grub: Meat, Meat, More Meat, Wash Down with Beer, Repeat with Meat | |
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| Get Pumped for Victory in the Game You're Not Playing | |
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| The High Five Is an Intricate Art Not to Be Toyed With | |
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| Like All Extreme Sports, Running onto the Playing Field Is Dumb and Wrong-and Irresistible | |
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| The Challenge of the Superfans | |
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| Gamble, Because of Course You're Smarter than Vegas | |
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| Probably Should've Known Before You Bought Those Season Tickets: Watching a Game at Home Is Far Better than the Stadium Experience | |
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| The Fantasy Football Chapter (Now With Tear-Out Cheat Sheet!) | |
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| Fantasy Baseball Is for Geeks but Fantasy Football Is for Men | |
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| Know Your Fantasy League or Know Draft Defeat | |
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| Naming Your Fantasy Team, or Which Anchorman Reference Shall You Go With? | |
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| The Fantasy Draft Is the Only Time Being an Unrepentant Homer Doesn't Help | |
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| Draft Trash-Talk Tips | |
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| Fantasy Football Magazines Are the Most Useless Thing You'll Reflexively Purchase Each Year | |
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| A Letter to Brian Westbrook Regarding His Questionable Playing Status for Sunday | |
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| Issue Threats to People Who Veto Your Fantasy Trades | |
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| A Fan For All Seasons | |
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| Seventeen Weeks of Sweet Delusion | |
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| Strategies for a Losing Season: Blame All Parties Involved | |
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| Drink Deep of the Haterade, That Cool, Refreshing Drink | |
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| When "Wait 'Til Next Year" Is an Annual Mantra, or the Fan Bases of the Damned | |
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| The Week Between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl Is the Tool of the Devil (as Well as the Networks, Which Are Run by the Devil) | |
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| If You Need Don Cheadle to Motivate You for the Playoffs, You Aren't a Fan | |
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| Super Bowl Parties Are for Amateurs but Still Worth It | |
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| Celebrate a Title, Bitches! | |
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| Surviving the Endless Off-Season | |
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| Your End of the Year Denial Is So Strong You'll Actually Watch a Part of the Pro Bowl | |
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| Feign an Interest in Other Sports and Other People | |
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| Oh, No! Your Favorite Player Left in Free Agency! Disown Him at Once! | |
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| The Five Stages of Free Agent Dejection | |
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| The Draft is Excruciating, but in April You'll Take Anything You Can Get | |
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| The NFL Draft Drinking Game | |
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| The Arena League and the CFL Are a Sickening Farce and Not Even the Good Kind of Sickening Farce | |
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| Beware the Post-NBA Finals Misery Vortex | |
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| Training Camp Is Miserable for the Athlete, Only Kind of Boring for You | |
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| Observe Madden Day Like the National Holiday It Should Be | |
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| Dupe Yourself into Thinking the Preseason Matters | |
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| Take Fandom to Unhealthy Levels-Then a Little Further | |
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| Fandom on the Intarwebz!!11! | |
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| Heed the Officially Licensed Section on NFL Apparel and Merchandise | |
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| Dress Your Pet, Because They Can't Tell You It's Lame | |
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| The Mystery of Trash-Talking | |
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| The Laws of Trash-Talking | |
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| "Can You Please Sign My Newborn?": Autograph Hunting | |
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| Pester God to Intercede on Your Team's Behalf | |
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| Fortify Your Conversations with the Power of Football Clich�s | |
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| Get Tat Up from the Mat Up | |
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| Death: Because Only Al Davis Can Live Forever | |
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| Retirement or "Which Team Do I Like, Again?" | |
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| Your Team Relocated to Another City! Your Entire Life Was All for Naught! | |
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| Buying a Team Means Buying the Affections of Millions, Even as You Screw Them | |
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| Remain Die-hard Even When You're About to Die | |
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| To a Bears Fan Dying Young | |
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| Hector Your Favorite Players into the Hall of Fame | |
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| On Death and Deep-frying | |
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| The Afterlife, or As It's Known in Football-Speak, the Post-Life | |
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| Epilogue: This Book Gets Summ-ed Up! Clap, Clap, Clap-Clap-Clap! | |