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Football Fan's Manifesto

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ISBN-10: 0061735140

ISBN-13: 9780061735141

Edition: 2009

Authors: Michael Tunison

List price: $15.99
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Book details

List price: $15.99
Copyright year: 2009
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date: 8/18/2009
Binding: Paperback
Pages: 336
Size: 5.25" wide x 8.50" long x 0.75" tall
Weight: 0.550
Language: English

Sports blogger and freelance writer Michael Tunison is the cofounder of the NFL blog Kissing Suzy Kolber. He is also a contributing writer for Deadspin, With Leather, Pro Football Talk, and Yahoo's Shutdown Corner. He lives in Alexandria, Virginia.

Acknowledgments
The Supremacy of Football
Other Major Sports Are Inherently Inferior to Pro Football and Therefore Unworthy of Our Time
A People's History of Football Fanaticism
The Football Fan Is the Next Evolution of Man
The Fundamentals of Fandom
Pick a Team, Any Team. Just Pick One and Only One
Who You Root for Defines Who You Are
The Memory of Your Team's Epic Playoff Loss Will Set the Tone for All Your Future Personal Failures
The Most Epic Chokes
Choose a Player to Idolize Based on His Carefully Crafted Public Persona
Know Thine Enemies, So You Can Identify Them After Crushing Their Skulls into Powder
Bandwagon Fans: Can't Live with Them, Can't Line Them Up and Melt Their Insides with a Flamethrower
How to Identify a Bandwagon Fan
Choose Your Friends Based on Football Allegiances-and Maybe Their Parent's Beach House
Learn to Deal With People Who Actively Dislike Sports While Somehow Resisting the Urge to Strangle Them
The Formative Years Of Fandom
Matriculate into College (So You Can Learn That Word Doesn't Mean Advancing a Football)
The Liberal Arts Agenda Against Fandom
Attend a Game a Week and a Class Per Semester: A Fan's Guide to Higher Education
Befriend NFL Prospects Now, While They'll Still Let You Do Their Homework for Them
The Duties for the Aspiring Hanger-on
Watch Football While Tripping Balls: Drugs and Gameday
Countries Most Likely to Cease Being Useless and Catch Football Fever
Land a Football-Related Job
Root for Your Team from Afar
The Two-Minute Driven Life
You Can't Have a Tailgate of One
Make the Game Part of Your Game: Picking Up Women
Convenient Conditioning for the Football Fatty
The Diner Quiz For a Post-Post-Diner Generation
The Football Manifesto Mate-Matching Metric
The Obligatory Guidelines for Female Fans
Ground Rules for Female Fans
Vow to Have a Football-Themed Wedding
Raise Your Kids to Root for Your Team Through Coercion
Acceptable Levels of Involvement in Your Kid's Pop Warner League
Scenes from a Broken Fan Marriage
Lord Your Personal Success Over Baseball Fans Because You Don't Spend All Your Time Watching Baseball
Gameday Operating Procedure: The Gop That Wants You to Have Fun
Flout the Fan Conduct Policy
Personal Seat Licenses Are a Bigger Rip-off than Buying a Home
Your New Pair of Underwear Is to Blame for a Ten-Loss Season
Tailgating Is the Pregame Alcohol-Based Ritual of Kings
Avoid Tailgating Scenesters
Tailgating Grub: Meat, Meat, More Meat, Wash Down with Beer, Repeat with Meat
Get Pumped for Victory in the Game You're Not Playing
The High Five Is an Intricate Art Not to Be Toyed With
Like All Extreme Sports, Running onto the Playing Field Is Dumb and Wrong-and Irresistible
The Challenge of the Superfans
Gamble, Because of Course You're Smarter than Vegas
Probably Should've Known Before You Bought Those Season Tickets: Watching a Game at Home Is Far Better than the Stadium Experience
The Fantasy Football Chapter (Now With Tear-Out Cheat Sheet!)
Fantasy Baseball Is for Geeks but Fantasy Football Is for Men
Know Your Fantasy League or Know Draft Defeat
Naming Your Fantasy Team, or Which Anchorman Reference Shall You Go With?
The Fantasy Draft Is the Only Time Being an Unrepentant Homer Doesn't Help
Draft Trash-Talk Tips
Fantasy Football Magazines Are the Most Useless Thing You'll Reflexively Purchase Each Year
A Letter to Brian Westbrook Regarding His Questionable Playing Status for Sunday
Issue Threats to People Who Veto Your Fantasy Trades
A Fan For All Seasons
Seventeen Weeks of Sweet Delusion
Strategies for a Losing Season: Blame All Parties Involved
Drink Deep of the Haterade, That Cool, Refreshing Drink
When "Wait 'Til Next Year" Is an Annual Mantra, or the Fan Bases of the Damned
The Week Between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl Is the Tool of the Devil (as Well as the Networks, Which Are Run by the Devil)
If You Need Don Cheadle to Motivate You for the Playoffs, You Aren't a Fan
Super Bowl Parties Are for Amateurs but Still Worth It
Celebrate a Title, Bitches!
Surviving the Endless Off-Season
Your End of the Year Denial Is So Strong You'll Actually Watch a Part of the Pro Bowl
Feign an Interest in Other Sports and Other People
Oh, No! Your Favorite Player Left in Free Agency! Disown Him at Once!
The Five Stages of Free Agent Dejection
The Draft is Excruciating, but in April You'll Take Anything You Can Get
The NFL Draft Drinking Game
The Arena League and the CFL Are a Sickening Farce and Not Even the Good Kind of Sickening Farce
Beware the Post-NBA Finals Misery Vortex
Training Camp Is Miserable for the Athlete, Only Kind of Boring for You
Observe Madden Day Like the National Holiday It Should Be
Dupe Yourself into Thinking the Preseason Matters
Take Fandom to Unhealthy Levels-Then a Little Further
Fandom on the Intarwebz!!11!
Heed the Officially Licensed Section on NFL Apparel and Merchandise
Dress Your Pet, Because They Can't Tell You It's Lame
The Mystery of Trash-Talking
The Laws of Trash-Talking
"Can You Please Sign My Newborn?": Autograph Hunting
Pester God to Intercede on Your Team's Behalf
Fortify Your Conversations with the Power of Football Clich�s
Get Tat Up from the Mat Up
Death: Because Only Al Davis Can Live Forever
Retirement or "Which Team Do I Like, Again?"
Your Team Relocated to Another City! Your Entire Life Was All for Naught!
Buying a Team Means Buying the Affections of Millions, Even as You Screw Them
Remain Die-hard Even When You're About to Die
To a Bears Fan Dying Young
Hector Your Favorite Players into the Hall of Fame
On Death and Deep-frying
The Afterlife, or As It's Known in Football-Speak, the Post-Life
Epilogue: This Book Gets Summ-ed Up! Clap, Clap, Clap-Clap-Clap!