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| Introduction | |
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| Glossary | |
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| Lifestyle: How to Live Like a Betch | |
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| Talking Shit: Embracing the End of Nicegirls | |
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| Abbreviations and Linguistics: The Language of Efficiency and Humor | |
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| Diets: Talking Shit Was Never So Topical | |
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| Working Out: A Necessary Moral Dilemma | |
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| Getting Fucked Up: Yay! | |
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| How to Party Like a Betch | |
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| Vacations and Summers: It's a Hard-Knock Life | |
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| Image: How to Appear Unapproachable and Hot | |
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| Appearance: How to Present Yourself in Public without Being Mistaken for a Homeless Woman or Ke$ha | |
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| Clothes: How to Dress Like a Slut (the Classy Way) | |
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| Status Symbols: What They Say about You | |
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| Social Media Image: How to Look Like the Shit on the Internet | |
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| The Art of Being Late: How to Show People That Your Time Is More Valuable than Theirs | |
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| Appearing Down-to-Earth: How to Fool People into Thinking You're Not Superficial | |
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| Not Keeping Up with the News: How to Pretend to Know What's Going On When You Have No Fucking Idea | |
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| How to Manipulate Your Parents into Thinking They Raised a Normal Child | |
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| Social Life: People Who <strike>You Like</strike> Are Worthy of Your Friendship | |
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| The Bestie Group Circle | |
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| Guy Friends: A Fairy Tale | |
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| How to Text Like You're Kind of a Big Deal | |
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| People You Dislike: How to Deal with Them While Not Appearing Psychotic | |
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| Enemies: The Objects of Your Animosity | |
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| Managing the Outer Circle: Fake Is Better than Nothing | |
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| College: Using Higher Education to Get Ahead | |
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| Not Doing Work in College: How to Revolve Four Years of Your Life Around Drinking and Hangovers | |
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| Studying Abroad: How to Culturally Immerse Yourself in Foreign Alcohol | |
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| Spring Break: How to Go Hard without Going <strike>Home</strike> to Jail | |
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| College Social Life: How to Keep Friends and Alienate (the Right) People | |
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| Greek Life | |
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| College Bros: Athletes and Frat Douchebags | |
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| Graduation: A Survival Guide | |
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| "Career": A Word We Use Loosely | |
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| Career Paths: Picking the Least Toxic Poison | |
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| How to Apply for a Job Like You Give a Shit | |
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| So Now You Have a Job: How to Never Do Work at Work | |
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| How to Ask for an Undeserved Raise | |
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| Sex: Keep Your Legs Closed and You Too Can Rule the World | |
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| Navigating the Bedroom: It's Harder than You Think | |
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| Postcoital Conduct: Learning to Take a Hint | |
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| Sexting: Getting Fucked in 4G | |
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| Birth Control: Manipulating Your Period as if It Were a Man | |
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| The Game, Dating, and Love | |
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| The Game: Loving Shady Assholes and Hating Nice Guys | |
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| Winning the Game: The Scientific Method of Conquering Any Male | |
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| Dating: More than Just Free Dinner | |
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| The Groupies and How to Get Rid of Them | |
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| The Art of Getting to the Second Date | |
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| Delusional Dating: The Guide to Dating a Guy Who Doesn't Know It | |
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| On the Importance of Being Single | |
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| When Love Takes Over | |
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| The Long-Distance Relationship: A Recipe for Tears | |
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| Manipulating Men | |
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| Now That the Love Is Gone: How to Get Over Your Ex | |
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| Tying Up the Loose Ends: How to Get Rid of the One Who Won't Go Away | |
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| Happily Ever After Requires a Prenup-Getting Engaged | |
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| Conclusion: You Can Skip This Part | |
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| Acknowledgments | |