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| Dedication | |
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| Options in Communicating | |
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| Communication Became Important to Me | |
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| I learned some of this early | |
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| Listening deeper | |
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| What's ahead in the book? | |
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| To get the most out of the book | |
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| The Flat-Brain Theory of Emotions | |
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| Stomach functions | |
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| Heart functions | |
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| Head functions | |
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| Directing our emotions | |
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| Does thinking affect our feelings? | |
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| Rationalizing stirs our disconnections | |
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| How it's all supposed to work | |
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| Where do stomach, heart, and head talk fit? | |
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| Communication - Connecting & Disconnecting | |
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| Two levels of communication | |
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| When we don't hear each other | |
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| When you want a listener and get a pool-grabber | |
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| Being heard | |
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| The Flat-Brain Syndrome | |
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| Stomachs overload | |
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| Hearts turn bricklike | |
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| And brains go flat | |
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| Hearing is skewed | |
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| Seeing is distorted | |
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| And the mouth works overtime | |
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| True and not true | |
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| Four goals to counter the flat-brain syndrome | |
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| Reduce emotional disturbance | |
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| Clarify thinking | |
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| Increase self-confidence | |
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| Build a supportive friendship | |
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| The Flat-Brain Tango | |
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| A courtroom culture | |
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| Courtroom or collaboration? | |
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| Opting Out of the Flat-Brain Syndrome | |
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| Victors or friends? | |
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| The need to win | |
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| Handling a "thud" | |
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| Do I deserve a shot? | |
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| Changing communication habits | |
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| The Double-Reverse-Twist | |
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| Reflecting head, stomach, and heart talk | |
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| Let's dance to a new song | |
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| The Talker-Listener Process | |
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| Going Beyond the Tango | |
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| Taking Turns Seems Simple | |
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| One fish story at a time | |
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| Good listeners improve our stories | |
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| Teeth marks in the tongue | |
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| End arguing as we know it | |
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| The Talker-Listener Card | |
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| The TLC as intervention | |
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| We all forget | |
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| Getting ready to use the TLC | |
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| Observing pays dividends | |
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| Telephone practice | |
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| A coffee house experiment | |
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| Try the TLC with a "safe" friend | |
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| Can you use the TLC with yourself? | |
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| Some people can't listen | |
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| TLC - Who Talks First? | |
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| Talker - I'm most bothered | |
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| If neither of you can listen...what then? | |
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| Listener - I'm calm enough to hear | |
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| Thud means listen | |
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| Don't let a question mask what someone needs to say | |
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| Does the TLC help when only one person uses it? | |
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| TLC - Who Owns the Problem? | |
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| Talker - I own the problem | |
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| Bouncing pronouns | |
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| The issue is deeper than pronouns | |
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| There are exceptions | |
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| The four-alarm issue in problem ownership | |
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| Listener - I don't own the problem | |
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| TLC - What Does the Talker Do? | |
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| First Talker Goal - To share my feelings | |
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| Stomach talk | |
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| Watch out for the dreaded "I feel that..." | |
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| Sharing feelings is risky, but worth it | |
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| Second Talker Goal - To share my thoughts | |
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| Head talk | |
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| Compliments | |
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| Sharing thinking is risky too | |
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| Third Talker Goal - My | |
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| Ownership | |
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| Openness | |
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| Heart talk | |
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| The EHJs of balanced communication | |
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| TLC - Talk Without | |
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| Talker - Without accusing, attacking, labeling, or judging | |
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| Using the finger method | |
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| The finger method with heat | |
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| TLC - What Does the Listener Do? | |
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| Two heads better than one? | |
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| First Listener Goal - To provide safety | |
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| Serious safety in a world of alligators | |
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| Second Listener Goal - To understand | |
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| Non-judgmental listening | |
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| Listening: dangerous to our opinions | |
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| Third Listener Goal - To clarify | |
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| Will listening change anyone? | |
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| Sometimes listening doesn't work | |
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| Listening into people's lives | |
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| TLC - Listen Without | |
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| Listen - Without agreeing | |
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| Useful agreement | |
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| Agreement, a substitute for friendship? | |
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| Listen - Without disagreeing | |
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| Listen - Without advising | |
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| Do quick answers pay off? | |
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| When asked a question, ask a question | |
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| When you do give advice | |
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| Listen - Without defending | |
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| Defending equals attacking | |
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| When to Turn the Card | |
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| In simple conversations: A loop | |
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| If the conversation is complex: Longer | |
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| With people who talk all the time | |
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| The Listening Techniques | |
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| A Few Communicating Traps | |
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| Ritual listening | |
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| Perry Masons | |
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| "Why?" | |
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| "Not?" | |
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| "I understand" | |
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| "Yes, but..." | |
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| When "Yes, but..." helps | |
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| What if a talker or listener uses a trap on us? | |
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| When Trying New Skills | |
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| Basic Listening Techniques | |
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| Note the odd punctuation mark (...?) | |
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| Acknowledge | |
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| Repeat Accurately | |
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| When at a listening loss | |
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| Use Para-Feeling | |
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| Whose feelings are they? | |
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| Use Para-Thinking | |
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| To clarify thinking is a process | |
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| Alternate Feelings and Thoughts | |
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| Use Both Hands | |
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| Number Feelings | |
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| Special case: Guys and their feelings | |
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| Low-level feelings | |
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| Play Detective | |
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| Life-planning | |
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| Use questioning carefully | |
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| Guess | |
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| Interrupt | |
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| Own Your Own Feelings | |
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| "How's school?" "Fine." | |
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| Decode | |
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| No one knows what anyone really said? | |
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| Meet Intensity | |
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| Admit Ignorance | |
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| Hem and Haw | |
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| Hemming and hawing after school | |
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| Match Pace | |
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| Allow Space | |
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| Ring the Pebble | |
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| Lead the Witness | |
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| Parental responsibility | |
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| Explore the Future | |
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| Special Circumstances Listening Techniques | |
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| Old Folks and "Boring" Stories | |
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| Problems or Predicaments? | |
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| Fear Barriers | |
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| Tears | |
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| After a Death | |
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| The six-and-a-half-week rule | |
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| If people don't really want to talk about it | |
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| Religious issues at death | |
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| Rigidity | |
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| Expectations and Anger | |
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| Persistent Anger and Bullfighters | |
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| Asking for Help | |
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| What About the Heaviest Listening Situations? | |
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| Suicide Hints | |
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| First a disclaimer | |
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| Using the TLC in Groups | |
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| The Listening Game (At Mealtimes) | |
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| The rules of engagement | |
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| One family's example | |
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| The TLC with game rules can help a family crisis | |
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| Guiding Difficult Group Discussions | |
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| Moderating Two-Party Conversations | |
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| Making Decisions Together | |
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| Sharing | |
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| Negotiating | |
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| Closing | |
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| Concluding Philosophy | |
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| Beyond Skill | |
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| What does it take? | |
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| Empathy | |
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| Genuineness | |
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| Warmth | |
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| Therapeutic or thera-noxious? | |
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| Acknowledgements | |
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| About Jim Petersen | |
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| Appendix | |
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| The Flat-Brain Slump | |
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| Additional book order information | |
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| Talker-Listener Cards and order information | |