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| Special Acknowledgment to Laura Torbet | |
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| Acknowledgments | |
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| Introduction | |
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| A Personal Note ... How the Book Works | |
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| Being Human, Being Single | |
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| What's Wrong with Being Single? | |
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| Singledom: A Neglected Rite of Passage | |
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| Redefining Singleness | |
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| A Better Way | |
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| It's Never Too Late to Be Single | |
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| Forever Single | |
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| We've Gotta Have It | |
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| The Problem with Singles | |
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| Finding a Love to Keep | |
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| Your Mission: Be Prepared | |
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| Forget the Mating Game! | |
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| What's Really Going on in Your Relationships? | |
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| What's Really Going On in Relationships? | |
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| Enter the Unconscious | |
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| The Imago: Our Ghost Partner | |
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| The Price of Ignorance | |
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| Doing It Differently | |
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| Exercise: Self-Knowledge Inventory | |
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| Learning from Past Relationships | |
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| Exercise: Imago Preview | |
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| Exercise: Relationship Frustrations | |
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| Exercise: Your Unconscious Relationship | |
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| The Human Journey | |
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| The Cosmic Journey: Yearning for Connection | |
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| Clues to Our Connectedness | |
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| We Want It Back | |
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| The Evolutionary Journey: Yearning for Aliveness | |
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| New Mind, Old Brain | |
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| The Basic Drives: Safety First | |
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| Expressing Full Aliveness | |
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| In Quest of Full Aliveness | |
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| We Can't Do It Alone | |
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| Commitment to Wholeness | |
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| The Imago Puzzle I: Childhood Nurturing | |
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| Growing Pains: Uncovering the Wounds of Childhood | |
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| The Lifelong Pursuit of Wholeness | |
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| Becoming a Detective | |
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| Different Strokes: Nature vs. Nurture | |
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| The Stages of Development: Finding the Weak Link | |
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| The Adult Child: Why Is It Important to Know Where We Got Stuck? | |
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| Attachment and Exploration: Getting Securely Connected | |
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| Attachment: The Struggle to Exist | |
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| Adapting to Deficit Nurturing: Coping Mechanisms | |
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| The Clinging Child: Fear of Abandonment | |
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| The Adult: A Clinger | |
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| The Detached Child: Fear of Rejection | |
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| The Adult: An Avoider | |
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| Interlude: The Minimizer and the Maximizer | |
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| Exercise: Was I Wounded at the Attachment Stage? | |
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| Exploration: Love Affair with the World | |
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| The Distancing Child: Fear of Absorption | |
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| The Adult: An Isolator | |
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| The Ambivalent Child: Fear of Loss | |
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| The Adult: A Pursuer | |
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| Exercise: Was I Wounded at the Exploration Stage? | |
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| Identity and Competence: Becoming a Self | |
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| Identity: "This Is Me" | |
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| The Rigid Child: Fear of Being Shamed | |
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| The Adult: A Rigid Controller | |
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| The Invisible Child: Fear of Being a Self | |
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| The Adult: A Compliant Diffuser | |
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| Exercise: Was I Wounded at the Identity Stage? | |
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| Competence: "I Can Do It" | |
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| The Competitive Child: Fear of Failure/Disapproval | |
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| The Adult: A Compulsive Competitor | |
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| The Helpless/Manipulative Child: Fear of Aggressiveness/Success | |
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| The Adult: A Manipulative Compromiser | |
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| Exercise: Was I Wounded at the Stage of Competence? | |
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| Concern and Intimacy: Moving Out Into the World | |
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| Concern: "I Belong" | |
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| The Lonely Child: Fear of Others/Ostracism | |
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| The Adult: A Loner | |
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| The Gregarious Child: Fear of Neediness/Being Alone | |
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| The Adult: A Sacrificing Caretaker | |
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| Exercise: Was I Wounded at the Stage of Concern? | |
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| Intimacy: "I Can Be Close and Loving" | |
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| The Rebellious Child: Fear of Being Controlled | |
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| The Adult: A Rebel | |
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| The Model Child: Fear of Being Different | |
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| The Adult: A Conformist | |
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| Exercise: Was I Wounded at the Intimacy Stage? | |
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| Exercise: Am I a Minimizer or a Maximizer? | |
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| Exercise: Identifying the Wounded Child in the Adult | |
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| Traumatized Relationships: Legacy of the Dysfunctional Family | |
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| A Matter of Degree | |
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| It's All Trauma | |
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| Shell-Shocked Children | |
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| Why Are Only Some Children Affected? | |
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| Unexperienced Experience | |
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| All Loss Is Abusive | |
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| Emotional Abuse | |
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| Who's to Blame? | |
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| Is the Child at Fault? | |
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| Are You from a Dysfunctional Family? | |
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| How Can I Break the Pattern? | |
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| The Imago Puzzle II: Childhood Socialization | |
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| "For Your Own Good": the Messages of Socialization | |
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| Society's Child | |
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| The Price of Socialization | |
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| Shutting Down the Energetic Core | |
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| Getting the Message | |
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| The Model Marriage | |
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| Bullied by Our Beliefs | |
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| The Crybaby and the Bitch | |
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| Thinking | |
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| Feeling | |
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| Acting | |
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| Sensing | |
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| Local Custom | |
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| The Whole Self: Missing in Action | |
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| Exercise: Your Parents' Marriage | |
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| Exercise: What Do I Believe? | |
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| Recovering the Missing Self: Love's Agenda | |
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| The Hidden Self | |
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| The Lost Self | |
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| The Denied Self | |
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| The False Self: Filling in the Gaps | |
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| Is Anybody Home? | |
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| Mutilated, but Alive | |
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| Falling in Love: What's Lost Is Found | |
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| Awakening the Sleeping Beast | |
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| Owning the Missing Self | |
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| Facing the Truth | |
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| Putting Ourselves Back Together | |
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| The Big Picture | |
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| Exercise: Your Hidden Self | |
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| Exercise: Your Lost Self | |
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| Exercise: Your Denied Self | |
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| Gender and Sexuality: Making Love, not War | |
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| "All You Do is Complain" | |
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| Rumbling in the Psyche: The Emerging Feminine | |
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| Vive la Difference | |
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| Physical Differences | |
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| Developmental Differences | |
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| Hormones and the Brain | |
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| Is Culture the Culprit? | |
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| Playing Our Roles, Losing Our Selves | |
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| Owning Your Contrasexual Self: Swimming against the Tide | |
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| Your Partner Is Not You! | |
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| Dialogue Is All We Can Have | |
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| Developing the "Other" in You | |
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| Sharing the Caring | |
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| Moving Toward Androgyny | |
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| Sexuality: Me Tarzan, You Jane | |
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| The Sex-Love Trade-off | |
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| Reclaiming Sexual Pleasure | |
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| Exercise: Your Gender Energy Balance | |
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| Exercise: Your Sexual Self | |
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| The Journey of Partnership | |
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| The Imago: Recipe for Romance | |
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| The Imago: Distillation of Childhood Experience | |
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| How Does the Imago Work in Partner Choice? | |
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| The Illusion of Love | |
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| The Language of Love | |
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| The Benefits of Illusion | |
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| Love: Nature's Anesthesia | |
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| There Is No Love in Romance | |
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| Why Is It Important to Understand, and to Modify, the Imago? | |
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| Unmasking the Imago | |
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| Exercise: Unmasking the Imago | |
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| Exercise: Childhood Frustrations | |
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| Exercise: Your Unconscious Childhood Agenda | |
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| Partnership: the Journey to Consciousness | |
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| The Unconscious Relationship | |
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| When Romance Dies: The Trajectory of the Unconscious Relationship | |
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| This Too Shall Pass | |
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| David and Sarah | |
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| The Denouement of the Power Struggle | |
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| Breaking the Impasse: The End of Bargaining | |
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| Becoming Conscious: A Turning Point on the Journey | |
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| Owning Our Projections | |
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| Commitment to Healing | |
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| The Conscious Marriage | |
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| Characteristics of a Conscious Relationship | |
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| Becoming a Conscious Single | |
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| From Insight to Integration: Basic Strategies for Change | |
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| Start Now | |
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| What's the Rush? | |
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| Waking Up Is Hard to Do | |
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| Surrendering to Change | |
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| Self-Hatred: The Stumbling Block | |
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| Creating an Environment for Change | |
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| The Benefits of Group Therapy | |
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| Utilitarian Dating | |
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| When You Fall in Love | |
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| "My, How You've Changed!" | |
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| New Skills, New Behavior: Steps to Self-Integration | |
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| Exercise: My Wholeness Agenda | |
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| Exercise: Creating a Safe Haven | |
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| Recovering Your Aliveness | |
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| Exercise: Your Aliveness Quotient | |
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| Exercise: Sources of Aliveness | |
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| Exercise: Enlivening Activities | |
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| Exercise: My Enlivenment Agenda | |
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| Exercise: Owning and Changing Negative Behaviors | |
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| Exercise: The Art of Intentional Dialogue | |
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| Exercise: Holding Projections | |
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| Exercise: Behavior Change Requests | |
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| Real Love: Paradise Regained | |
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| Safety First | |
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| No Strings Attached | |
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| Good Intentions | |
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| Nature's Grand Design | |
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| Notes | |
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| Bibliography | |
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| Index | |
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| About the Author | |
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| The Institute for Relationship Training | |