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| Introduction | |
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| I Was a Three-Year-Old Arsonist | |
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| My Childhood: David Copperfield Meets Guns & Ammo Magazine | |
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| Stanley, the Magical Talking Squirrel | |
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| Don't Tell Your Parents | |
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| Jenkins, You Motherfucker | |
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| If You Need an Arm Condom, It Might Be Time to Reevaluate Some of Your Life Choices | |
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| Draw Me a Fucking Dog | |
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| And That's Why Neil Patrick Harris Would Be the Most Successful Mass Murderer Ever | |
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| No One Ever Taught Me Couch Etiquette | |
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| Just Your Average Engagement Story | |
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| It Wasn't Stew | |
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| Married on the Fourth of July | |
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| There's No Place Like Home | |
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| A Series of Helpful Post-it Notes I Left Around the House for My Husband This Week | |
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| The Dark and Disturbing Secrets HR Doesn't Want You to Know | |
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| If You See My Liver, You've Gone Too Far | |
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| My Vagina Is Fine. Thanks for Asking | |
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| Phone Conversation I Had with My Husband After I Got Lost for the Eighty Thousandth Time | |
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| And Then I Got Stabbed in the Face by a Serial Killer | |
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| Thanks for the Zombies, Jesus | |
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| Making Friends with Girls | |
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| I Am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives (In That I Am Both "Great and Terrible" and Because I Sometimes Hide Behind the Curtains) | |
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| The Psychopath on the Other Side of the Bathroom Door | |
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| An Open Letter to My Husband, Who Is Asleep in the Next Room | |
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| Just to Clarify: We Don't Sleep with Goats | |
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| Stabbed by Chicken | |
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| It Wasn't Even My Crack | |
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| Honestly, I Don't Even Know Where I Got That Machete: A Comic Tragedy in Three Farts Days | |
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| I'm Going to Need an Old Priest and a Young Priest | |
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| And That's Why You Should Learn to Pick Your Battles | |
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| Hairless Rats: Free for Kids Only | |
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| And Then I Snuck a Dead Cuban Alligator on an Airplane | |
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| You Can't Go Home Again (Unless You Want to Get Mauled by Wild Dogs) | |
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| Epilogue | |
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| The End (Sort of) | |
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| True Facts | |
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| Acknowledgments | |