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| Introduction | |
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| "You'll Never Groom Dogs in This Town Again!" | |
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| Cafe Manhattan | |
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| The Young Man and the Sea | |
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| How to Be Difficult | |
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| The Yanni Files | |
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| A Prayer for Bill Clinton | |
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| Independence Day | |
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| Parlez-Vous Francais? | |
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| An Aesthetically Challenged American in Paris (Part II) | |
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| You Could Look Me Up ... Sometime | |
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| I Go to Golf School | |
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| A Graceland for Adolf | |
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| Upcoming House Votes | |
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| Let's Hear It for Cheerleaders | |
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| Lapses of Photographic Memories | |
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| A Year-Round Tan for the Asking | |
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| The Bane of Every Vacation: Souvenirs | |
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| Memo from Coach | |
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| As I Was Saying to Henry Kissinger... | |
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| Away from It All | |
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| Give One for the Team | |
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| God, Help Me! | |
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| Autumn of the Matriarch | |
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| Future Schlock | |
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| What We Told the Kids | |
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| Un Caballo in Maschera | |
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| The Midwest: Where Is It? | |
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| Come Stay with Us | |
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| Desert Surprise: Saddam Picks Bill | |
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| Return Saddam's Limo ... Now! | |
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| Laws Concerning Food and Drink; Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father | |
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| Flowers of Evil: Ask Charles Baudelaire | |
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| Authors with the Most | |
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| Long Day's Journey into Abs | |
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| Yankee, Come Home | |
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| A Good Man Is Hard to Keep: The Correspondence of Flannery O'Connor and S. J. Perelman | |
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| Testing, Testing... | |
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| The Cheese Stands Alone | |
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| Post-Euphoria | |
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| Why Are Kids So Dumb? | |
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| Clarifications | |
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| What We talk About When We Talk About Little Green Men | |
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| Design Intervention | |
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| Too Late to Become a Gondolier? | |
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| Me and My Delusions | |
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| Eating the Desk | |
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| Into the Giga Jungle | |
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| The Hidden Life of Rocks | |
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| Degas, C'est Moi | |
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| You Say Tomato, I Say Tomorrow | |
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| Chicken a la Descartes | |
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| Even More Memoirs by Even More McCourts | |
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| Love Bug | |
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| More Mergers | |
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| Rejected Polls | |
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| Josh Kornbluth | |
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| Driving Mr. Crazy | |
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| Red Diaper Baby | |
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| Money | |
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| Trout | |
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| Jumpin' Jiminy | |
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| Space Travel Food | |
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| Piscopo Agonistes | |
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| The Way of the Ear | |
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| Eleventh-Hour Bride | |
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| I Network with Angels | |
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| Phone Hex | |
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| Birthdays: So Now What? | |
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| Things That Are Confusing | |
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| How and Why Book of Magnets | |
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| Joyce Maynard Looking Back | |
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| Bad Numbers | |
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| Sunken Treasure | |
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| One Guy's TV | |
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| After This Word from Motel 3 | |
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| O.J.: The Trial of the Next Century | |
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| Scrambling for Dollars | |
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| Gambling in the Schools | |
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| Diary of a Genius | |
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| TV Guide, Soon | |
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| My Genetic Memories | |
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| The Last Publicist on Earth | |
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| Memoir Essay | |
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| March | |
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| No Strings Attached | |
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| Ferret-Face | |
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| Barnes Ennobled | |
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| T.G.I.Y2K! | |
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| All Happy Families... | |
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| Christmas Freud | |
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| El Nino Has a Headache | |
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| In New England Everyone Calls you Dave | |
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| The Million Millionaires March | |
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| Wing Tsu | |
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| T. S. Eliot Interactive | |
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| Buy Me | |
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| Rejected Celebrity Cab Announcements | |
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| Conspir-U.S.-cy History | |
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| Dysfunctional Adult Education Catalogue | |
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| The All-Purpose Concession Speech | |
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| Front Row Center with Thaddeus Bristol | |
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| Humor Thy Father | |
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| Khmer Roue | |
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| Taking the A Train to Early Retirement | |
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| A Few Notes on Sex Education | |
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| The Last Supper, or The Dead Waiter | |
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| Pen Pals | |
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| I Am a Tip-Top Starlet | |
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| To Our Valued Customers | |
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| Getting Over Getting Stoned | |
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| Manifesto | |
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| Glad Rags | |
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| From: Corporate Communications at CRT301 | |
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| A Note About the Editor | |
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| A Note About the Type | |
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| Index | |
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| About the Contributors | |