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| Eternity 101 | |
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| The Community of Saints | |
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| Saints Be Praised: It All Comes from the Catholics | |
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| It's Paganism: Protestants Accuse Catholics of Worshipping Idols | |
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| Want to Be a Saint? Become a Roman Catholic! | |
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| Protestants Protest: It's Not Only Pagan, but It's Unscriptural | |
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| Catholics Rely on the Truth of Tradition | |
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| Let's Cut to Sex | |
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| From Sex to Sainthood! | |
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| The Saints Are Alive and Well and Living in Heaven | |
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| And About Those Halos | |
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| Get Ready for a Holy Tour of the Saints' Lives | |
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| Heaven, the Home of the Saints: Eternal Bliss but No Sex, No Pets, and No MTV | |
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| Who Has a Home in Heaven | |
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| Heaven Is a Gated Community | |
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| Heaven Is Inhabited by Real People | |
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| The Real Skinny on Heaven: It's a Celestial Cube | |
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| It's Kind of Like the Land of Oz | |
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| What About the Pearly Gates? | |
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| Is This Place for Real? | |
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| In God's Kingdom, You Can't Get a Room Without a Reservation | |
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| The Saints Have Lots of Elbow Room | |
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| Is This a Great Fraternity House, or What? | |
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| Yes! But No Toga Parties... | |
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| No Pets in Paradise | |
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| What, Then, Are the Specific Joys of Heaven? | |
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| Where the Rest of the Poor Souls Go: Purgatory, Limbo, and Hell | |
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| Purgatory | |
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| A Place for the Average Churchgoer | |
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| It's Bad, but Not So Bad | |
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| But This Stuff Is So Medieval! | |
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| How to Get a Pal out of Purgatory | |
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| Indulgences! Merits! Purgatory! It's Enough to Drive a Protestant Crazy! | |
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| In Limbo-Land | |
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| A Place for Unbaptized Babies | |
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| Sanctified Sleep Spells Pure Contentment | |
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| Keep Knockin', but You Can't Come In | |
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| Hell: A Real Scream, Without the Popcorn | |
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| For Heaven's Sake, Stay Sinless | |
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| Souls Must Be Scrubbed by Priests | |
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| Who Goes to Hell? | |
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| Now for the Good News: Some Non-Catholics Can Be Saved | |
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| Hell Is Even Worse Than You Can Imagine | |
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| Some Saints Granted Personal Tours of the Devil's Domain | |
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| Hell Might Have Different Levels | |
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| A Primer to the Communion of Saints | |
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| Whatever Happened to the Twelve Apostles? | |
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| John the Baptist: Sainthood Is Not for Sissies | |
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| St. Peter Gets the Keys to the Kingdom | |
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| "Quo Vadis?" Wasn't That a Movie? | |
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| A Prayer to St. Peter | |
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| The Weird Gospels Produce Weird Legends | |
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| Holy Fairy Tales? | |
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| St. Andrew: The X-Rated Life of the First Apostle | |
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| St. Bartholomew Gets Skinned in India | |
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| Doubting Thomas Produces Potent Dust | |
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| It's No Magical Act: St. Simon Really Gets Sawed in Half | |
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| St. Judas? You've Got to Be Kidding! Is There Really a St. Judas? | |
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| It's So Ironic: St. James the Less Gets More Attention Than St. James the Greater | |
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| Sure, He's Dead, but He Might Do Some Good in Spain | |
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| St. John: The Lord's Favorite Disciple | |
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| A Tax Collector for a Saint? | |
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| Missing in Action: St. Matthias | |
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| St. Philip Becomes the First Dragon Slayer | |
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| Legends Versus Lives: St. Paul and His Disciples | |
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| St. Paul--The Patron Saint of Protestants | |
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| St. Paul Undermines St. Peter and the Heavenly Host | |
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| Hey, Paul's Not a Mensch | |
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| St. Paul May Be Smart, but He's Not Really Cute | |
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| The Story of Paul and the Lion Who Became a Pussycat | |
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| Forget the Lives, Give Us the Legends! | |
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| You Have to Admit It: The Saints Are Kind of Boring | |
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| The Disciples of St. Paul | |
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| St. Titus: Don't Lose Your Head, or, Keep Your Mind Closed to New Ideas | |
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| St. Barnabas: A Hunk of a Saint to Swoon Over | |
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| A Gospel Writer Finally Gets Translated--But Not into Another Language | |
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| Learn a Lesson from St. Philemon | |
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| A Saint Without a Legend Is Like a Dog Without a Tail | |
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| St. Stephen Was Dead a Long Time Before He Finally Got a Life! | |
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| The Holy Martyrs: How to Obtain Real Death Benefits | |
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| How the Christians Became So Hated | |
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| Nero Was Bad, but Domitian Was Worse | |
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| St. Ignatius Imparts Hope and Inspiration | |
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| The End of Ignatius Is Not Ignoble | |
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| St. Cecilia, or, All for a Song | |
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| Pliny Relates Plenty on Christians | |
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| Zounds: St. Zoe Opposes Zeus | |
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| Yet Another Round of Persecutions | |
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| Some Carp About St. Polycarp | |
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| His Bones Are Worth a Fortune | |
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| Hey, Marcus Aurelius, Why Don't You Practice What You Preach! | |
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| St. Blandina: No Bull, She's Gored to Glory | |
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| Just Toss Us a Bone, for Heaven's Sake | |
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| Five Reasons Christians Were Really Irksome to Pagans | |
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| The Ever Popular St. Perpetua Gets X-Posed | |
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| Great Party Causes Terrible Hangover | |
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| Things Go from Bad to Worse | |
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| And You Thought Nero Was Nasty | |
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| If You Sacrifice, We'll Never Speak to You Again | |
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| The Martyrs Who Were Not Murdered | |
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| For a Saint: It's Okay to Lose Your Head | |
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| It's a Bird! It's a Plane! No, It's St. Restituta! | |
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| And You Thought Diocletian Was Decent | |
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| The Pope Who Became a Pagan to Avoid Torture | |
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| The Bloodshed Backfires | |
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| St. Anastasia: Proof That It Pays Off to Have Friends in High Places | |
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| Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds | |
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| Hey, Guys, Don't Mess Around with St. Agnes | |
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| Diocletian Cracks Up and Grows Cabbage | |
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| The Intercession of the Saints (Plus: How Many Saints' Lives are Really Legends!) | |
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| The Power of the Saints | |
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| Hey, St. Potamiaena, Forget the Favor! | |
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| Intercession: Not Just for the Living | |
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| Listen, Quinctianus, I'd Rather Die Than Have You Touch Me | |
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| And Now for the Seediest Brothel in Sicily | |
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| The Private Parts That Reappeared | |
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| Mt. Etna's Still Not Erupting | |
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| It's True: Dead Saints Do Favors for Dead People | |
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| It Began with an Anniversary Party | |
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| She Should Have Stayed on the Farm | |
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| Just Shut Up and Pass the Salt! | |
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| The Saint Gives Romans the Bird | |
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| Sebastian: Seems like a Good Name for a Soldier | |
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| Talk About Ingratitude! After All I've Done for You | |
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| St. Irene to the Rescue | |
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| The Story of St. Sebastian Really Stinks | |
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| Saints Don't Have Sex, but They Can Reproduce | |
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| Oh, Please! | |
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| All They Want Is a Little Recognition | |
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| Hey! These Apologists Won't Say They're Sorry! | |
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| The Pagans Take Aim at Christians--This Time with Their Pens | |
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| Hey, Lucian, Don't Call Me a Jackass! | |
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| Flash! Second-Century News! Christians Called Unnatural! | |
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| You Really Think Jesus Is a Bad Example? | |
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| God Does Love Frogs and Worms | |
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| Let's Get This Straight--These Guys Won't Apologize | |
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| St. Justin Says That Christians Are Not Complete Idiots | |
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| It's All Greek To Us, Too! | |
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| Please, St. Justin, Don't Lose Your Head in This Argument! | |
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| Fronto Gets St. Irenaeus Irked | |
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| Can't You Leave Him Alone When He's Dead? | |
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| This Guy Has a Wacky Sense of Humor! | |
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| The Saint Who Was Locked Out of Heaven | |
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| Christianity Gets Caught Up in Technicalities | |
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| Now This Is Really Extreme! | |
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| Eunuchs Can Be (Believe It or Not) Very Productive | |
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| The Man Who Moved Mountains | |
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| Will Jesus Marry the Queen of Egypt? | |
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| St. Catherine Frustrates the Emperor | |
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| And Now She Gets Even with His Wife | |
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| The First Female Church Father? Are You Serious? | |
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| Great Idea! Passing Out Tracts to The Pagans! | |
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| If You Think About It, A Plague Isn't Really Funny! | |
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| Lactantius Has Last Laugh | |
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| When Can We Stop Apologizing? | |
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| The Middle Ages: When Sainthood Was in Flower | |
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| White Martyrdom: Confessors Open the Back Door to Heaven | |
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| Now That It's Legal, It's No Fun | |
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| At Least Pagans Had Some Fun | |
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| Good News: You Can Become a Christian Hero | |
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| It's Time to Take Off Your Clothes and Head for the Desert | |
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| If You Want to Be a Saint, Get Rid of the Farm | |
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| Please, St. Antony: Do Us a Favor and Wash Your Feet | |
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| This Tomb Would Have Been Really Terrific Without Satan | |
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| How to Be a Martyr Without Being Murdered | |
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| If You Thought Antony Was Weird, Wait Until You Meet Paul the Hermit | |
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| A Real Saint Is Merciful to Mosquitoes | |
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| I Want to Be Alone! | |
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| And Now for the True Story of 101 Dalmatians | |
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| I've Heard of Insomnia, But This Is Ridiculous! | |
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| Be a Good Monk: Memorize the Bible | |
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| Don't Mess with St. Marcarius | |
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| How to Become a Spiritual Athlete | |
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| Even Maggots Need a Break Now and Then | |
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| But Where Do You Go to the Bathroom? | |
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| But Freaks Are Fun! | |
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| Need a Cold Shower? Jump in a Bramble Bush! | |
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| Let's Have No More Monkey Business in Monte Cassino | |
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| It's Bad Enough: Let's Forget About Nocturns and None | |
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| The Brides of Christ: Good Grief! There's a Harem in Heaven | |
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| Want a Perfect Husband? You, Too, Can Become a Bride of Christ | |
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| The Honeymoon Is Heaven | |
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| Nunsense--No Nun Is a Bad Nun | |
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| Bride of Christ? | |
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| It Beats Sending Them to College | |
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| This Stuff Is for the Birds | |
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| Talk About Child Abuse! | |
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| St. Barbara Becomes Explosive | |
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| Two-Timing the Lord? | |
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| Now Prostitutes Are Marrying Jesus? What Next? | |
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| Pearl the Stripper Slips Through the Pearly Gates | |
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| The Desert Is No Place for Harlots in Hair Shirts | |
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| You Get the Wedding Gown When You Die | |
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| This Saintly Story Is Really Disgusting! | |
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| This Saint Is One Reason Why You Should Never Complain About Your Wife | |
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| Everything About St. Etheldreda Remains Intact | |
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| The Great Christian Missionaries: How the Irish Saints Saved the World | |
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| Good News! There's a Back Road to Heaven! | |
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| These Guys Are Enough to Ruin a Nice Christian Neighborhood | |
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| Saints Above! This Can't Be--St. Patrick Is Welsh! | |
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| Just Where Is He Sending All Those Snakes? | |
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| St. Pat's a Cat with Nine Lives! | |
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| Saints Alive, It's Friday! Don't Take the Fish! | |
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| This Saint Can Get Really Ugly | |
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| St. Brigid's Holy Cow | |
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| And Now a Blurb from Bishop Ibor | |
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| How the Irish Saved the World | |
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| St. Columba Starts the First Copyright War | |
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| Stay Tuned for the Secret of the Loch Ness Monster | |
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| The Naked Girls Are A Real Distraction | |
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| Talk About Bad Breath! | |
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| It's True! An Irish Monk Saved England! | |
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| Red-Hot Breath Against Ice-Cold Skin | |
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| No Heathen Wants to Be Alone in Heaven | |
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| "My God Is Better Than Your God!" | |
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| The Book Wasn't Worth It | |
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| Forget About Columbus--St. Brendan Discovered America | |
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| Judas Iscariot Is Alive and Well and Living on an Iceberg off Greenland | |
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| A Saint for the Unmentionables | |
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| The Secret Way to Remain Chaste and Holy | |
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| Popes and Princes: In Heaven, It Pays to Be Rich | |
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| Most Saints Were Fat Cats | |
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| St. Francis Was a Rich Kid | |
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| The Poor Clares Weren't Poor, Either | |
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| St. Clare Becomes a Television Celebrity | |
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| Oh, No--St. Serf Was Not a Serf | |
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| It's Easy to Get Canonized...If You're a King | |
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| Saints Really Pop Out of the Papacy | |
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| It Helps to Have Chutzpah | |
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| How to Ward Off a Barbarian Invasion | |
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| If You Can't Convert 'Em, Then Kill 'Em! | |
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| St. Gregory's Vision of a Perfect Society | |
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| Freeze Him If He Gives You Trouble | |
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| For Heaven's Sake, Keep the Hookers Happy! | |
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| No Bull for This Saint | |
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| You've Got to Admit, the Hat Is Funny | |
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| Warning of Things to Come | |
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| The Church Gives Doctoral Degrees to Some Dead Saints | |
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| Some Saints Are More Special Than Other Saints | |
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| The True Story of Santa Claus | |
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| St. Valentine's Story Is a Heart-Breaker | |
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| A Ph.D. for Saints? | |
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| The Saint Who Hated Sex | |
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| All Feminists Are Not Eunuchs | |
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| A Saint Saved by His Mother's Love | |
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| St. Augustine Originates Original Sin | |
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| No Saint Belongs in Brooklyn | |
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| St. Thomas Chases a Floozy with a Firebrand | |
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| What's This About a Woman's Water Content? | |
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| Forget the Head, How About a Toe? | |
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| The Queen of Heaven | |
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| You've Tried the Rest, Now Here's the Best: Blessed Virgin Mary | |
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| There's Something About Mary | |
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| Zechariah Becomes Speechless and Sex-Starved | |
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| If You're a Saint, It's Never Too Late | |
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| Gabriel Says a Hail Mary | |
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| Oh, Stop It! I'm a Virgin! | |
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| Unwed Mary Hits the Road | |
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| The Skinny on Mary | |
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| Sure, They Did It, but They Really Didn't Have Fun | |
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| The Sanctified Womb, or, How Mary Escaped the Sin of Adam | |
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| Mary Enters the First Kosher Convent | |
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| Frank Sinatra Was Right: "Fairy Tales Can Come True" | |
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| Great Choice for a Groom: Eighty-Nine, Crippled, Poor, Forgetful, and Impotent! | |
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| Mary Submits to a Really Strange Pregnancy Test | |
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| The Christmas Story, with a Touch of Science Fiction | |
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| Mary Gets Slapped with Seven Sorrows | |
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| No Limbo for These Kids: The First Christian Martyrs | |
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| Thank Heaven He Didn't Have Toy Soldiers! | |
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| Okay, Mary, What About the Seven Other Kids? | |
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| Wrap Joe's Soul and Take It Away | |
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| He'd Rather Be Dead Than Red | |
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| Mary II, the Sequel: How the Blessed Virgin Captured the Throne of Heaven | |
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| Mary Gets Her Way with Jesus | |
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| Come On, Do It for Your Mother! | |
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| Jesus Would Have Probably Told Anyone Else, "Forget It!" | |
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| Three Ways to Win Mary's Heart | |
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| Mary Is Your Real Mama, No Matter Who You Are | |
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| Mary Became Den Mother to the First Disciples | |
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| Mary Really Knew the Way to Go | |
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| Mary's Life in Heaven | |
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| Mary Gets Crowned in Heaven | |
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| If Not the Queen, How About the Queen Mother? | |
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| Forget Elvis and the Beatles: The Mary Craze Sends Christians into a Frenzy | |
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| Don't Split Jesus into Two | |
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| St. Cyril Becomes the President of Mary's Fan Club | |
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| Mary Enters the Garden of Eden | |
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| If You Won't Help Me, I'll Tell Your Mother! | |
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| In the Flesh: Mary Begins to Pop Up Everywhere | |
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| Mary Makes Many Appearances | |
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| Madonna Wows Crowd in Illinois | |
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| The Blessed Virgin Can Fly Without Wings | |
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| Let's Hope She Shows Up in Scranton | |
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| The Blessed Virgin's First Post-Assumption Appearance | |
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| She's a Real Help: Mary Gives a Saint a Hand | |
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| Humble Mary Visits an Uppity English Lady | |
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| Horrors! Henry VIII Destroys the Blessed Virgin's Home | |
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| Take Time to Count the Roses--Even If You Can't Smell Them | |
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| Mary Takes Stock of St. Simon with a Scapular | |
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| Introducing a No-Risk, 100 Percent Guaranteed, Very Inexpensive After-Life Insurance Policy | |
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| She Still Gives Milk to Her Good Children | |
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| More Mary Sightings | |
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| Mary's on the Move | |
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| Come See Us, St. Zita | |
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| You Can Always Count On Mary | |
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| The White Dress Is Really a Uniform | |
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| St. Teresa Meets St. Mary | |
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| She Seemed So Young and Shy | |
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| Mary Makes Demands in Mexico | |
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| The Flowers Become a Photograph | |
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| At Heart, Mary Is a Parisian | |
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| The Virgin Balances on a Ball | |
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| Did They Really Have to Hack Off Her Hands? | |
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| It Was Mary, Not the Lord, Who Appeared at Lourdes | |
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| If You Can't Smoke It, Eat It! | |
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| Mary Visits Three Kids in Fatima | |
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| Let's Hope Francisco Said His Prayers! | |
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| Mary's Miracle Is a Scream | |
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| The Two Newest Saints | |
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| Mary Appears on the Tube | |
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| It's Interesting but Kind of Monotonous | |
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| Mary Keeps Popping Up All over the Planet | |
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| Saints in the Twenty-First Century | |
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| Heavenly Horrors! Saints Get Kicked Out of God's Kingdom | |
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| How Saints Went Crazy | |
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| Smell Decay, Start to Pray | |
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| There's Something Funny About St. Philomena | |
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| We Always Knew Bibiana Was Full of Something! | |
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| Sometimes It Pays to Be Well-Dressed | |
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| Sure, He's Dead, but He Should Do Something! | |
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| St. Martin Gets Goosed | |
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| St. Dymphna and Her Dad | |
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| St. Bee and Her Bracelet | |
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| How Snow White (Along with Rip Van Winkle) Became a Saint | |
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| Proof That People Really Stink | |
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| How Buddha Became a Catholic Saint | |
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| Bollandists Expose Bogus Saints | |
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| St. Christopher Uncovered as a Giant Fraud--And a Cannibal | |
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| Hey, This Kid Weighs a Ton! | |
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| Sainthood Made Easy: A Step-by-Step Guide to Your Canonization | |
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| Are You a Saint? Let's Check and See | |
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| Make Sure You Perform a Miracle or Two | |
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| Before You Can Begin, You Have to Die | |
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| How to Become a "Servant of God" | |
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| Make Sure the Skeletons Have Been Removed from the Closet | |
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| Make Sure You're an Attractive Corpse | |
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| Being Beatified Is the Next Best Thing | |
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| Modern Miracles Are Harder to Perform | |
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| Don't Forget to Be the Right Race or Color | |
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| Finally, Have Plenty of Cash | |
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| Hallelujah, It's True! A Few Saints Are Red, White, and Blue | |
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| American Saint Abused by Sister Superior | |
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| When You Have Mother Cabrini, You Don't Need a Cow | |
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| Mother Cabrini Goes Slumming | |
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| Hey, Mamma, Speaka Da English! | |
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| Come on, Johnny, Smile! You're a Saint! | |
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| Hold On! This Saint Is a Protestant! | |
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| Italians Save the American Saint | |
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| Saint Snubbed by Snotty Episcopalians | |
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| Really, Rose, the Habit Isn't Flattering for Your Figure | |
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| Rose Realizes Her Own Wedding Plans | |
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| Bear Grease Is Not Good for French Cooking! | |
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| Are You Sure She's Not a Statue? | |
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| And Now for Our Newest Saint | |
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| Jesus Gets a Rich New Bride | |
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| The KKK Won't Mess with St. Katherine! | |
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| Even in Heaven, It Helps to Be Politically Correct | |
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| Saintly Remains: How to Get Rich with a Bag of Bones | |
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| Little Things Mean a Lot | |
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| Get Blessings from Bones | |
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| A Great Way to Earn Extra Cash | |
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| Drops of Milk from Mary? | |
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| Mold Can Be Worth More Than Gold | |
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| Get a Piece of Mother Teresa Before It's Too Late | |
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| The Relic of Relics | |
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| Is the Relic Really Radioactive? | |
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| A Real Mystery for Mystery Lovers | |
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| Appendixes | |
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| The Patron Saints | |
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| Feast Days of the Saints | |
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| Index | |