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| Introduction | |
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| A Wacky Path for Politics | |
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| Wrong! It Wasn't Humphrey | |
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| Why Not Poke a Hole in a Candidate's Eyeball? | |
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| Now It's Time to Say Thanks for the Chads That Don't Count | |
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| Party Time, Texas-Style | |
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| It's Party Time, As Philly Gets Phunky | |
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| Party Politics | |
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| "Rolling Roll Call" Makes Bad Idea Last Even Longer | |
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| Encounter with Falwell Gets Surprisingly Intimate | |
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| George W. Survives His GOP Convention Speech | |
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| Real People, Real Issues, Full Nudity | |
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| There's Glitz, Glamour, the Clintons--but Where's Al? | |
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| Campaign Trail, Freeways, Finally Lead to a Vast Parking Lot | |
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| Joe Goes Hollywood As Al Plans to Be "Riveting" | |
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| Now It's Safe to Do Some Unconventional Thinking | |
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| Call Security | |
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| Frozen Lips, Barefoot Skaters--and Who Let All Those Dogs Out? | |
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| For a Weird Cult, They're Pretty Friendly | |
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| Competitive Ski Jumping Is a Weighty Issue | |
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| Gosh! Heck! Utahans Angry About Skating | |
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| Don't Trust Any Judge with Two First Names | |
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| Buses and Mucus | |
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| In a Battle of Wits with Kitchen Appliances, I'm Toast | |
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| Camping at Wal-Mart Parking Lot Is Survival of Fittest | |
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| War on Smoking Always Has Room for Another Lawyer | |
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| Fill Out the Census and Win Your Own Bureaucracy | |
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| Choice Between Death and Taxes Gets Easier and Easier | |
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| Don't Forget to Consider Feng Shui--and Other Deck Tips | |
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| Was It "Hi-ho" or "Hi-yo," or Did the Lone Ranger Have a Lisp? | |
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| Who Was That Masked Social Security Recipient? | |
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| He Didn't Just Buy a House--He Bought a Home Repair Industry | |
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| How to Drive a Man Wild with Desire? Even a Stiff Breeze Works | |
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| Your Child Deserves a Halloween Costume by Calvin Klein | |
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| 100 Years of Solitude, Waiting for Customer Service | |
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| Don't Fear to Tread | |
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| Terror on Flight 611--There's a Baby on Board, Ready to Shriek | |
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| Humvee Satisfies a Man's Lust for Winches | |
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| Dead or Alive, Turkeys Can Fowl Up Your Life | |
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| By the Way, Those Turkey Snakes Have Giant Fangs, Too | |
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| A GPS Helps a Guy Always Know Where His Couch Is | |
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| Road to Romantic Ruin Paved with Chain Saws | |
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| Nice Words About the IRS on the Way to Leavenworth | |
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| Daddy's Little Girl a Republican Barbie | |
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| Onward, Upward Go the Sherpa and Schlepper | |
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| Considerate Guests Use the Gas Station Bathroom | |
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| Ban Cellphones--Unless You're Attacked by a Giant Squid | |
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| Quality! Craftsmanship! Service Contract! | |
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| At 17 (Months), Her Music Tastes Match Dad's | |
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| He's Got a Broom and He's Not Afraid to Use It | |
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| There's No Denying Nature's Wake-up Call | |
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| Grab Your Pajamas, It's World Series Time | |
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| Burger King Puts Workers' Feet to the Fire--Literally | |
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| A Truly Terrifying Act | |
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| Owner's Manual Step No. 1 | |
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| Cap 'n' Gown? I'll Take the Burger 'n' Fries | |
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| Fitting Into That Bikini Is Easy As (Eating) Pie | |
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| Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing | |
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| Get the (Birthday) Party Started | |
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| It's Oscar Time--Prepare the Blow Darts | |
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| Supersize Your Fries with This Column? | |
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| North Dakota Wants Its Place in the Sun | |
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| There's a Hoover Dam ... and Now, the Dave Sewage Lifter | |
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| N.D.'s New Barry Building Takes Your Breath Away | |
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| Steve's Schnapps Kept the Frost Off Dave's Bobber | |
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| Send in Your Weasel Jokes (Unless You're Canadian) | |
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| Penelope Cruz Is NOT Having Dave's Baby | |
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| Learning to Love the Computer, Warts and All | |
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| It's All About Cloning, Not Clowning | |
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| Book-Tour Blues | |
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| Just for Being Americans | |
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| Hallowed Ground | |
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| Conclusion | |