| |
| |
| Introduction | |
| |
| |
| Why Normal People have Sexual Desire Problems | |
| |
| |
| There is Always a Low Desire Partner and the Low Desire Partner Always Controls Sex | |
| |
| |
| Sex Is Not a �Natural Function� | |
| |
| |
| There Is Always a �Low Desire Partner� and a �High Desire Partner� | |
| |
| |
| The Low Desire Partner Always Controls Sex | |
| |
| |
| How the Low Desire Partner Controls Sex | |
| |
| |
| Where We're Headed | |
| |
| |
| Since Your �Self� Showed Up, Sexual Desire Hasn't Been the Same | |
| |
| |
| Three Drives of Sexual Desire and Love | |
| |
| |
| A Fourth Sexual Drive: Developing and Maintaining a Self | |
| |
| |
| Biology, Environment, Culture, and Mind in the Evolution of Desire and Love | |
| |
| |
| Co-Evolution: Mind, Brain, Body, and Relationship Are One Whole | |
| |
| |
| The Crucible� Approach to Co-Evolution Through Love Relationships | |
| |
| |
| The Low Desire Partner Usually Controls the High Desire Partner's Adequacy | |
| |
| |
| It Starts at the Beginning: Being Normal | |
| |
| |
| Borrowed Functioning | |
| |
| |
| Developing a Solid Flexible Self | |
| |
| |
| Mapping Your Partner's Mind | |
| |
| |
| People Who Can't Control Themselves Control the People Around Them | |
| |
| |
| The Answer to the Age-Old Question: Does Marriage Kill Sex? | |
| |
| |
| How We Co-Evolve Through Sexual desire Problems | |
| |
| |
| Holding On to Your Self | |
| |
| |
| The Four Points of Balance™ | |
| |
| |
| Emotional Gridlock | |
| |
| |
| Differentiation | |
| |
| |
| Four Points of Balance: Balancing Attachment and Autonomy | |
| |
| |
| The Cure for Emotional Gridlock | |
| |
| |
| Intimacy Shapes Your Sexual Desire | |
| |
| |
| Other-Validated Intimacy and Self-Validated Intimacy | |
| |
| |
| Intimacy Is a System, Just Like Sexual Desire | |
| |
| |
| Dependence on Other-Validated Intimacy Creates Emotional Gridlock | |
| |
| |
| Gridlock over Intimacy Creates Low Desire | |
| |
| |
| Shifting to Self-Confrontation and Self-Validated Intimacy | |
| |
| |
| Creating Intersubjective Experiences | |
| |
| |
| Adult Intimacy Harnesses the Best in You | |
| |
| |
| Changing Monogamy from Martyrdom to Freedom | |
| |
| |
| Monogamy, Adultery, and Human Nature | |
| |
| |
| Monogamy Is Not a Promise, It's a System! | |
| |
| |
| Monogamy Creates Low Desire in Poorly Differentiated Couples | |
| |
| |
| Things Reach Critical Mass | |
| |
| |
| Going Through the Crucible | |
| |
| |
| Stronger Four Points of Balance Makes Monogamy Operate Differently | |
| |
| |
| Desire Fades When You Stop Growing | |
| |
| |
| Sexual Boredom Is Normal | |
| |
| |
| When Your Partner Becomes Too Important to You, Desire Problems Surface | |
| |
| |
| Anxiety-Regulation Through Accommodation | |
| |
| |
| (Lack of) Desire, Intimacy, Freedom, and Sexual Novelty Prompt You to Grow | |
| |
| |
| Sexual Desire Problems: How Your Personal Life Fits in | |
| |
| |
| Wanting, Not Wanting to Want, and Two-Choice Dilemmas | |
| |
| |
| Desire: A Capacity You Can Develop | |
| |
| |
| Choosing Your Partner | |
| |
| |
| Consciously Chosen, Freely Undertaken Desire | |
| |
| |
| Desire Problems Involve Two-Choice Dilemmas | |
| |
| |
| Do You Treat Your Partner Like a Friend? | |
| |
| |
| Hold On to Your Self: Self-Confrontation and Self-Soothing | |
| |
| |
| Normal Marital Sadism, the Devil's Pact, and Other Dark Stuff | |
| |
| |
| Normal Marital Sadism | |
| |
| |
| The Problem Isn't Your Lack of Relationship, It's the Relationship You Have | |
| |
| |
| The Devil's Pact: Initiation Deals | |
| |
| |
| The Crucible of Marriage | |
| |
| |
| What Does It Take to Really Change Things? Safely, Growth, and Critical Mass | |
| |
| |
| Safety and Security in Marriage | |
| |
| |
| Balancing Comfort, Safety, and Growth | |
| |
| |
| Critical Mass: The Point of Fundamental Change | |
| |
| |
| Marriage's Grand Design | |
| |
| |
| Using Your Body, Rewiring Your Brain, and Co-Evolving in Bed | |
| |
| |
| A Collaborative Alliance Is More Important Than Perfect Technique | |
| |
| |
| Collaborative Alliances | |
| |
| |
| Some Families Never Have Collaborative Alliances | |
| |
| |
| Maintain a Resilient Collaborative Alliance | |
| |
| |
| Methods for Building a Physical Collaborative Alliance | |
| |
| |
| Put Your Collaborative Alliance to Good Use | |
| |
| |
| Curing Ticklishness and Noxious Touch | |
| |
| |
| What Is Ticklishness? | |
| |
| |
| Curing Ticklishness | |
| |
| |
| Other Ways of Understanding Ticklishness | |
| |
| |
| Collaborative Alliance: The Key to Resolving Ticklishness in the Moment | |
| |
| |
| Resolving Ticklishness for the Long Term | |
| |
| |
| Impacts of Ticklishness on Sexual Desire | |
| |
| |
| Doing the Seemingly Impossible | |
| |
| |
| Tender Loving Sex | |
| |
| |
| New Application of Familiar Tools | |
| |
| |
| Desire, Sex, Brain, and Self | |
| |
| |
| Benefits of Tender Loving Sex | |
| |
| |
| Exploring Your Sexual Potential | |
| |
| |
| Blow Your Mind! | |
| |
| |
| People Don't Fuck with Their Support System | |
| |
| |
| Oral Sex: Fabulous for Changing Your Brain with Your Body and Mind | |
| |
| |
| Receiving Can Be a Special Form of Giving | |
| |
| |
| How to Use Your Mind and Body When Giving or Receiving Head | |
| |
| |
| Ignite Desire in Your Bedroom | |
| |
| |
| Referral Information | |
| |
| |
| Overcoming Discomfort with Oral Sex | |
| |
| |
| References | |
| |
| |
| End Notes | |
| |
| |
| Index | |