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| Foreword by The Stork | |
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| From the Author | |
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| Conception: When Wanted Life Begins | |
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| It, and the Doing Thereof | |
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| Tinkering with the Essence of Life in a Lab: A Recipe for Success! | |
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| They're Called "Love Children" Because You Have to "Love Children" to Have Them | |
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| DNA: The Body's Snitch | |
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| Your Parents, Total Incompetence, and You | |
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| Throughout Your Fetalcy | |
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| Choosing a Doctor That's Right for Your Doctor | |
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| Booze, Cigs, Drugs, and the Death of Fun | |
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| Coffee Yes, Cat Shit No: Surprising Health Tips | |
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| Everything in Your House Is Out to Get You | |
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| The Pregnancy Diet: You'll Have the Soup | |
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| Month 1: An Introduction to Existentialism | |
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| Best Weeks Ever! 1-4 | |
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| Acing Your Home Pregnancy Test | |
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| From G-spot to Anus: Meet the Neighbors! | |
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| Only an Embryo, and Already Lying About Your Age | |
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| Twins: Separating the Schwarzeneggers from the DeVitos | |
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| When the F in MILF Stands for "Feel More Confident About Her Physical Appearance" | |
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| Month 2: Making Mitosis Fowrtosis | |
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| Best Weeks Ever! 5-8 | |
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| Jaws II: The Return of All of Mommy's Food | |
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| Daddy's (Sym)Pathetic Pregnancy | |
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| Noon: The New 7 a.m. | |
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| A Bountiful Harvest of Urine | |
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| Pregnancy at the Workplace: When the Watercolor Conversation Becomes "Wow, She Looks Like a Watercooler" | |
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| Month 3: Vaguely Human! | |
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| Best Weeks Ever! 9-13 | |
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| The Other Bloating Sensation in Her Abdomen | |
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| Sadness, Anxiety, Happiness, and Depression: Overcoming Happiness | |
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| Who Should Gain More Weight, You or Mom? | |
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| Celebrity Babies: When B-listers Get C-sections | |
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| Month 4: Pardon the Protrusion | |
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| Best Weeks Ever! 14-17 | |
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| It Looks Like Breast Milk, but It's Too Early and It's Coming from Her Vagina | |
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| Maternity Fashion: Today's Hottest Muumuus! | |
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| Don't Like My Pregnancy? Dial 1-800-FUCK-UTE | |
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| You're All Going to Paris, but Only Two of You Will Actually See the Eiffel Tower | |
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| Getting in Shape When You Don't Yet Have One | |
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| Month 5 Acknowledging Your Flailings | |
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| Best Weeks Ever! 18-22 | |
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| Paging Ralph Macchio | |
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| By the Way, Haydn Wrote 104 Symphonies, but Nobody Blasts Him into Mom's Abdomen | |
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| The Technicolor Dreamscape of Pregnancy Skin | |
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| Sonograms and Daughterograms | |
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| When Daddy Penetrates Mommy: Your Insider's Guide | |
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| Month 6: Threshold of Unabortability | |
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| Best Weeks Ever! 23-27 | |
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| Why the Entire Bus Is Allowed to Rub Mom's Belly | |
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| Camel: Humps Pregnant Woman: Feet | |
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| Tusks | |
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| A Topic Too Disturbing Not to Deliberately Mishear | |
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| Childbirth Classes: It's Never Too Early for Parents to Get Ripped Off Paying for School | |
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| Month 7: Third Trime's the Charm | |
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| Best Weeks Ever! 28-31 | |
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| Whew! It Was All a Dream ...or Was It? [Dramatic Sting, Tight Shot of Umbilical Cord] | |
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| Prepartum Stress About Postpartum Life: Let's Just Focus on the Partum, Shall We? | |
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| Birth Plans: Beyond "Step 1: Fuck" | |
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| Doulas and Don'tlas | |
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| Can't the Internet Make Our Babies for Us Already? | |
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| Month 8: Allow Six to Eight Weeks for Delivery | |
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| Best Weeks Ever! 32-35 | |
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| Urine: This Time, It's Personal | |
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| B-section Too Pricey? D-section Too Tacky? Consider This Compromise | |
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| Baby Showers, Followed by 50 Percent Chance of Baby Freezing Rain | |
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| It Was "MomDad"; Now It's "MomYouDad": Guess Who Got Between Them? | |
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| Tits Tits Tits Tits Tits! | |
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| Month 9: Paradise Almost Lost | |
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| Best Weeks Ever! 36-40 | |
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| The Nesting Instinct: Twigger, Please! | |
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| Round, Firm, and Fully Packed | |
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| A Live Band in the Delivery Room, or Just a DJ? | |
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| Water Breaking? We'll Show You How to Fix It | |
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| False Labor: Making the Maternity Ward Become the "Psych!" Ward | |
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| It's the Second Monday in September, and Still No Labor Day | |
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| Call You Ishmael, or Possibly Jayden | |
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| Labor and Delivery: Mom at Her Pushiest | |
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| Live with Regis and Four Newborns! | |
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| Months 10-1, 000: A Time of Transition | |
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| Childhood, Adulthood, Old Age, and Other Miscellany | |
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| Acknowledgments | |