Why Don't We Listen Better? Communicating and Connecting in Relationships

ISBN-10: 0979155908
ISBN-13: 9780979155901
Edition: 2007
Authors: Jim Petersen
List price: $18.95 Buy it from $1.83
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Description: Good communication uses the same skills in a professional office, on a date, in a corporate board room, or at a kitchen table, says Dr. Jim Petersen, author of Why Don't We Listen Better? He wrote this book to help you gain these skills and improve  More...

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Book details

List price: $18.95
Copyright year: 2007
Publisher: Petersen Publications
Publication date: 2/1/2008
Binding: Paperback
Pages: 225
Size: 6.00" wide x 9.00" long x 0.50" tall
Weight: 1.100

Good communication uses the same skills in a professional office, on a date, in a corporate board room, or at a kitchen table, says Dr. Jim Petersen, author of Why Don't We Listen Better? He wrote this book to help you gain these skills and improve your relationships.

James R. Petersen is former editor of "The Playboy Advisor" column and is a longtime employee of Playboy . He lives in Chicago, Illinois.

Dedication
Options in Communicating
Communication Became Important to Me
I learned some of this early
Listening deeper
What's ahead in the book?
To get the most out of the book
The Flat-Brain Theory of Emotions
Stomach functions
Heart functions
Head functions
Directing our emotions
Does thinking affect our feelings?
Rationalizing stirs our disconnections
How it's all supposed to work
Where do stomach, heart, and head talk fit?
Communication - Connecting & Disconnecting
Two levels of communication
When we don't hear each other
When you want a listener and get a pool-grabber
Being heard
The Flat-Brain Syndrome
Stomachs overload
Hearts turn bricklike
And brains go flat
Hearing is skewed
Seeing is distorted
And the mouth works overtime
True and not true
Four goals to counter the flat-brain syndrome
Reduce emotional disturbance
Clarify thinking
Increase self-confidence
Build a supportive friendship
The Flat-Brain Tango
A courtroom culture
Courtroom or collaboration?
Opting Out of the Flat-Brain Syndrome
Victors or friends?
The need to win
Handling a "thud"
Do I deserve a shot?
Changing communication habits
The Double-Reverse-Twist
Reflecting head, stomach, and heart talk
Let's dance to a new song
The Talker-Listener Process
Going Beyond the Tango
Taking Turns Seems Simple
One fish story at a time
Good listeners improve our stories
Teeth marks in the tongue
End arguing as we know it
The Talker-Listener Card
The TLC as intervention
We all forget
Getting ready to use the TLC
Observing pays dividends
Telephone practice
A coffee house experiment
Try the TLC with a "safe" friend
Can you use the TLC with yourself?
Some people can't listen
TLC - Who Talks First?
Talker - I'm most bothered
If neither of you can listen...what then?
Listener - I'm calm enough to hear
Thud means listen
Don't let a question mask what someone needs to say
Does the TLC help when only one person uses it?
TLC - Who Owns the Problem?
Talker - I own the problem
Bouncing pronouns
The issue is deeper than pronouns
There are exceptions
The four-alarm issue in problem ownership
Listener - I don't own the problem
TLC - What Does the Talker Do?
First Talker Goal - To share my feelings
Stomach talk
Watch out for the dreaded "I feel that..."
Sharing feelings is risky, but worth it
Second Talker Goal - To share my thoughts
Head talk
Compliments
Sharing thinking is risky too
Third Talker Goal - My
Ownership
Openness
Heart talk
The EHJs of balanced communication
TLC - Talk Without
Talker - Without accusing, attacking, labeling, or judging
Using the finger method
The finger method with heat
TLC - What Does the Listener Do?
Two heads better than one?
First Listener Goal - To provide safety
Serious safety in a world of alligators
Second Listener Goal - To understand
Non-judgmental listening
Listening: dangerous to our opinions
Third Listener Goal - To clarify
Will listening change anyone?
Sometimes listening doesn't work
Listening into people's lives
TLC - Listen Without
Listen - Without agreeing
Useful agreement
Agreement, a substitute for friendship?
Listen - Without disagreeing
Listen - Without advising
Do quick answers pay off?
When asked a question, ask a question
When you do give advice
Listen - Without defending
Defending equals attacking
When to Turn the Card
In simple conversations: A loop
If the conversation is complex: Longer
With people who talk all the time
The Listening Techniques
A Few Communicating Traps
Ritual listening
Perry Masons
"Why?"
"Not?"
"I understand"
"Yes, but..."
When "Yes, but..." helps
What if a talker or listener uses a trap on us?
When Trying New Skills
Basic Listening Techniques
Note the odd punctuation mark (...?)
Acknowledge
Repeat Accurately
When at a listening loss
Use Para-Feeling
Whose feelings are they?
Use Para-Thinking
To clarify thinking is a process
Alternate Feelings and Thoughts
Use Both Hands
Number Feelings
Special case: Guys and their feelings
Low-level feelings
Play Detective
Life-planning
Use questioning carefully
Guess
Interrupt
Own Your Own Feelings
"How's school?" "Fine."
Decode
No one knows what anyone really said?
Meet Intensity
Admit Ignorance
Hem and Haw
Hemming and hawing after school
Match Pace
Allow Space
Ring the Pebble
Lead the Witness
Parental responsibility
Explore the Future
Special Circumstances Listening Techniques
Old Folks and "Boring" Stories
Problems or Predicaments?
Fear Barriers
Tears
After a Death
The six-and-a-half-week rule
If people don't really want to talk about it
Religious issues at death
Rigidity
Expectations and Anger
Persistent Anger and Bullfighters
Asking for Help
What About the Heaviest Listening Situations?
Suicide Hints
First a disclaimer
Using the TLC in Groups
The Listening Game (At Mealtimes)
The rules of engagement
One family's example
The TLC with game rules can help a family crisis
Guiding Difficult Group Discussions
Moderating Two-Party Conversations
Making Decisions Together
Sharing
Negotiating
Closing
Concluding Philosophy
Beyond Skill
What does it take?
Empathy
Genuineness
Warmth
Therapeutic or thera-noxious?
Acknowledgements
About Jim Petersen
Appendix
The Flat-Brain Slump
Additional book order information
Talker-Listener Cards and order information

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