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Dedication | |
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Options in Communicating | |
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Communication Became Important to Me | |
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I learned some of this early | |
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Listening deeper | |
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What's ahead in the book? | |
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To get the most out of the book | |
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The Flat-Brain Theory of Emotions | |
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Stomach functions | |
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Heart functions | |
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Head functions | |
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Directing our emotions | |
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Does thinking affect our feelings? | |
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Rationalizing stirs our disconnections | |
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How it's all supposed to work | |
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Where do stomach, heart, and head talk fit? | |
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Communication - Connecting & Disconnecting | |
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Two levels of communication | |
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When we don't hear each other | |
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When you want a listener and get a pool-grabber | |
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Being heard | |
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The Flat-Brain Syndrome | |
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Stomachs overload | |
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Hearts turn bricklike | |
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And brains go flat | |
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Hearing is skewed | |
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Seeing is distorted | |
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And the mouth works overtime | |
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True and not true | |
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Four goals to counter the flat-brain syndrome | |
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Reduce emotional disturbance | |
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Clarify thinking | |
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Increase self-confidence | |
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Build a supportive friendship | |
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The Flat-Brain Tango | |
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A courtroom culture | |
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Courtroom or collaboration? | |
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Opting Out of the Flat-Brain Syndrome | |
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Victors or friends? | |
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The need to win | |
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Handling a "thud" | |
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Do I deserve a shot? | |
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Changing communication habits | |
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The Double-Reverse-Twist | |
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Reflecting head, stomach, and heart talk | |
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Let's dance to a new song | |
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The Talker-Listener Process | |
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Going Beyond the Tango | |
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Taking Turns Seems Simple | |
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One fish story at a time | |
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Good listeners improve our stories | |
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Teeth marks in the tongue | |
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End arguing as we know it | |
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The Talker-Listener Card | |
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The TLC as intervention | |
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We all forget | |
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Getting ready to use the TLC | |
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Observing pays dividends | |
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Telephone practice | |
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A coffee house experiment | |
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Try the TLC with a "safe" friend | |
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Can you use the TLC with yourself? | |
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Some people can't listen | |
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TLC - Who Talks First? | |
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Talker - I'm most bothered | |
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If neither of you can listen...what then? | |
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Listener - I'm calm enough to hear | |
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Thud means listen | |
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Don't let a question mask what someone needs to say | |
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Does the TLC help when only one person uses it? | |
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TLC - Who Owns the Problem? | |
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Talker - I own the problem | |
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Bouncing pronouns | |
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The issue is deeper than pronouns | |
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There are exceptions | |
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The four-alarm issue in problem ownership | |
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Listener - I don't own the problem | |
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TLC - What Does the Talker Do? | |
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First Talker Goal - To share my feelings | |
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Stomach talk | |
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Watch out for the dreaded "I feel that..." | |
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Sharing feelings is risky, but worth it | |
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Second Talker Goal - To share my thoughts | |
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Head talk | |
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Compliments | |
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Sharing thinking is risky too | |
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Third Talker Goal - My | |
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Ownership | |
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Openness | |
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Heart talk | |
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The EHJs of balanced communication | |
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TLC - Talk Without | |
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Talker - Without accusing, attacking, labeling, or judging | |
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Using the finger method | |
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The finger method with heat | |
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TLC - What Does the Listener Do? | |
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Two heads better than one? | |
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First Listener Goal - To provide safety | |
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Serious safety in a world of alligators | |
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Second Listener Goal - To understand | |
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Non-judgmental listening | |
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Listening: dangerous to our opinions | |
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Third Listener Goal - To clarify | |
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Will listening change anyone? | |
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Sometimes listening doesn't work | |
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Listening into people's lives | |
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TLC - Listen Without | |
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Listen - Without agreeing | |
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Useful agreement | |
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Agreement, a substitute for friendship? | |
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Listen - Without disagreeing | |
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Listen - Without advising | |
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Do quick answers pay off? | |
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When asked a question, ask a question | |
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When you do give advice | |
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Listen - Without defending | |
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Defending equals attacking | |
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When to Turn the Card | |
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In simple conversations: A loop | |
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If the conversation is complex: Longer | |
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With people who talk all the time | |
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The Listening Techniques | |
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A Few Communicating Traps | |
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Ritual listening | |
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Perry Masons | |
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"Why?" | |
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"Not?" | |
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"I understand" | |
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"Yes, but..." | |
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When "Yes, but..." helps | |
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What if a talker or listener uses a trap on us? | |
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When Trying New Skills | |
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Basic Listening Techniques | |
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Note the odd punctuation mark (...?) | |
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Acknowledge | |
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Repeat Accurately | |
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When at a listening loss | |
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Use Para-Feeling | |
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Whose feelings are they? | |
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Use Para-Thinking | |
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To clarify thinking is a process | |
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Alternate Feelings and Thoughts | |
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Use Both Hands | |
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Number Feelings | |
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Special case: Guys and their feelings | |
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Low-level feelings | |
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Play Detective | |
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Life-planning | |
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Use questioning carefully | |
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Guess | |
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Interrupt | |
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Own Your Own Feelings | |
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"How's school?" "Fine." | |
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Decode | |
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No one knows what anyone really said? | |
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Meet Intensity | |
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Admit Ignorance | |
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Hem and Haw | |
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Hemming and hawing after school | |
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Match Pace | |
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Allow Space | |
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Ring the Pebble | |
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Lead the Witness | |
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Parental responsibility | |
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Explore the Future | |
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Special Circumstances Listening Techniques | |
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Old Folks and "Boring" Stories | |
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Problems or Predicaments? | |
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Fear Barriers | |
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Tears | |
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After a Death | |
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The six-and-a-half-week rule | |
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If people don't really want to talk about it | |
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Religious issues at death | |
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Rigidity | |
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Expectations and Anger | |
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Persistent Anger and Bullfighters | |
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Asking for Help | |
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What About the Heaviest Listening Situations? | |
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Suicide Hints | |
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First a disclaimer | |
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Using the TLC in Groups | |
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The Listening Game (At Mealtimes) | |
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The rules of engagement | |
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One family's example | |
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The TLC with game rules can help a family crisis | |
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Guiding Difficult Group Discussions | |
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Moderating Two-Party Conversations | |
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Making Decisions Together | |
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Sharing | |
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Negotiating | |
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Closing | |
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Concluding Philosophy | |
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Beyond Skill | |
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What does it take? | |
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Empathy | |
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Genuineness | |
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Warmth | |
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Therapeutic or thera-noxious? | |
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Acknowledgements | |
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About Jim Petersen | |
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Appendix | |
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The Flat-Brain Slump | |
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Additional book order information | |
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Talker-Listener Cards and order information | |